Beyond the Quick Fixes: Tending to the Soul of a Mom
Written By Jessie Thompson, LMSW, LCSW Lasting Peace Counseling
This is a blog for the mamas. I don't know your story or any of the specific things you are dealing with, but I do know moms. And I know women. Not only because I am both of those things, but because I also get to sit with hundreds of women a year in my office and hear their stories.
If the data I've collected from myself and these women is correct, statistically speaking, at least 100% of you are tired. Another 80% of you are anxious and overstimulated. And at least half of you are sad and worn out.
And because this is what we are working with, I'm not here to provide you with a program, product, or new system to implement. I am not going to ask you to put one more rock in your already heavy backpack. I also do not have a magic 20-step program to get you into the best shape of your life postpartum, make you the best mom, or give you the most organized house.
I don't think that's truly what any of us are looking for. If it were, we'd all be perfect women by now. There are plenty of programs out there promising just that. I'm more concerned with the deeper matters of our hearts. The wounds we carry. The stories we tell ourselves. My prayer is that after you read this, you begin to see motherhood differently. Not as something to survive, get through, or endure, but as a million tiny moments of worship woven into our everyday lives.
And that, my friends, can change everything.
To understand motherhood, we have to go back to the beginning of creation.
The Design of Motherhood
In Genesis, we read that God created mankind in His image, male and female, and gave humanity responsibility for His creation. In Genesis 2, we see God placing Adam in the garden to work it and take care of it, and declaring that it was not good for man to be alone. So, He created Eve to be Adam's helper. He blessed them and told them to be fruitful and multiply.
Here we see that we are created in God's image, to reflect Him and participate in His work.
As mothers, we have been given the incredible privilege of joining in the continuing work of creation. We don't just produce children. We carry them, bring them into the world, nurture them, and help shape the lives entrusted to us. And if you are someone who wasn't able to carry a child, God gave you a heart to nurture and love them all the same, whether they are your own or children you have the opportunity to pour into.
This is stewardship. Stewardship is caring for something that has been entrusted to us. Something that isn't ultimately ours to own or control, but ours to care for faithfully. I don't know about you, but I often take better care of my friends' things when I know they are borrowed.
What if we approached motherhood with that same sense of responsibility and gratitude? These children are not possessions to control. They are not burdens to bear. They are lives entrusted to our care. Somewhere along the way, we have taken one of the most meaningful assignments of our lives and buried it under the pressure to manage every part of our lives perfectly. We get so caught up in doing motherhood right that we can lose sight of what motherhood is actually asking of us.
The Path
Proverbs 22:6 tells us to direct our children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Ten years ago, I would have asked, "But what the heck is the path?" I had no clue.
When I had my oldest daughter at 25, I was lonely. I was sad. I had to go back to work when she was only three weeks old. I didn't understand co-parenting with my husband. I did not know God. I did not have a community, and my family lived thousands of miles away. No one told me that a newborn baby could rock your world, your marriage, and your sense of self.
As we raised her through sleepless nights and demanding work schedules, I pumped in my office whenever I could, sometimes just crying because the very smell of her made me miss her so much. I questioned everything: my choices, my lack of friendships, and my purpose.
By the time she turned three, we decided to enroll her in a private Christian preschool in hopes of finding community and a safe place for her to grow. Not because of the Christianity, necessarily, but simply because we wanted more for her.
Our oldest daughter is bold. Her gift is speaking the truth, unfortunately for some, no matter the cost to someone's feelings. She would come home from preschool and start demanding answers from her parents.
"Mommy, how come you and Daddy don't talk about God?" Gut punch from a three year old. I had no answer, but I was offended. A few more weeks would go by, and then: "Mommy, how come you and Daddy don't read the Bible?" Another punch. By the end of the school year, she was wondering why her mom and dad didn't pray. I had no idea at the time, but seeds were being planted. However, there was no movement in my heart just yet.
When our second daughter was born, I was still lonely, still without faith, community, or a sense of purpose beyond raising my daughters to the best of my ability. When she was ready for preschool, we sent her to the same school as her sister. Where our oldest speaks truth, our middle daughter speaks love with the purest form of gentleness. Instead of interrogating us about our lack of relationship with God, she would come home singing hymns, praying in front of us, and dancing to worship music. Now I had two little girls in my home speaking to their parents in both truth and love about the state of our souls. Those seeds that had been planted were now being watered.
When our son was born in 2017, something stirred my husband deeply to find a local church. I cannot speak for him, but I have a feeling he was sensing a responsibility to spiritually lead our home. The sense of urgency was growing as he thought about raising a boy who would become a man with a family of his own. Our little boy prompted us to take action. Truth, love, and now action.
By the time our family was complete, seeds had been planted, watered, and the sun was beginning to shine on them. We started attending a local church, and while the people were so kind, it was not my favorite place for the first two years. If I am being honest, I was very irritated about going. I didn't like the music. I didn't like praying. I felt so weird when people would say the word Jesus. I could feel shudders in my body, as though I was rejecting Him outright.
Still tired to the bone from working a job I couldn't leave at work, I was exhausted, burned out, and lost. Then, one day, during a moment of searching, I heard a voice.
"Come to me. Aren't you tired? I'll give you rest. The way you go is hard, heavy, and you are weary. Come to me. I am gentle. My way is easy."
When I heard this voice, I had NEVER read a Bible. I did not know there was a verse that echoed these words until much later.
Matthew 11:28–30 says:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Had it not been for the pressure cooker of parenthood, I am not sure where I would be now. The pressure and weight I felt in those earlier years of motherhood heated my heart and began exposing areas that needed mending and refining.
In the snot of the toddler years and the poop of a newborn, in the arguments with my husband about how to parent or put the babies to bed, right in the thick of the mess, there was so much to praise.
LIFE.
I get to take part in the creation of life. Not just by bringing these beautiful babies into the world, but by sustaining them, nurturing them, and directing them on the path they should go. God revealed that path to me THROUGH them. These precious souls.
I cannot sit here and tell you that this made everything easier or that every day is full of joy now, because it isn't. I still struggle. I'm still parenting for the first time as my oldest is now a teenager. But I have hope now that I didn't once have. I see the meaning in the mess, even in the thick of it. I see it. I know it. And I accept it.
This body is not my own. These kids are not my own. They are His. He has given me stewardship over them. Think about what we get to take part in during the plain, ordinary, even boring parts of our days. What we often see as mundane is actually a miracle in the making.
Creation is not JUST bringing a baby into this world. And I don't say "just" lightly, because that alone is incredible beyond belief. It's also the forming of synapses, neurons, and neural connections in the brain. It's the shaping of the heart, the development of relationships, and the experience of love that our children may one day pass on to their own children.
We are doing so much more than getting through the day. We are helping shape how our children experience safety, connection, and love. If you want to learn more about the science behind attachment and how our earliest relationships shape us, you can read my blog on attachment here.
What is motherhood revealing in you?
Motherhood will turn up the heat. More of you will be revealed than you even realized was there. Your own childhood wounds, trauma, and attachment wounds will show up. Parenting brings us back into the parent-child relationship, just in a different role. It will test you and push you to your absolute limits.
Again, this is not a quick fix. No system, program, or list of quick tips to become a better mom will get to the root of everything. This is a matter of the heart. What is hidden cannot heal until we are willing to bring it into the light. And boy oh boy, does motherhood force things we wish we could keep hidden into the light. Praise the Lord.
So, if you were sitting in my counseling room, carrying what I was carrying and what so many other women are holding, I would ask: What needs to come forward? What are you masking or hiding to prevent pain?
What is your perfectly clean home trying to protect you from? The perfect child? The perfect marriage? The perfect body?
What are you trying to prevent from happening? What are you worshipping?
When my child whines and it bothers me, where is this coming from? What is causing this distress in me?
We spend so much time trying to change the behavior in front of us that we sometimes miss what is happening within us. What is God working on in me? What is bearing fruit in my life, and what isn't?
This isn't simply about doing less. It's about discerning what matters and what God is asking us to pay attention to. It's not about adding more. It's about shifting the way our hearts view motherhood and life. It's about allowing what is right in front of us to become an opportunity for growth and healing, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
This heart shift is what changes everything else.
When the heart changes, behavior follows. Not the other way around. Without addressing th heart, behavior changes are temporary (it's why New Year's resolutions rarely work). The matters of the heart must be dealt with first. When the heart shifts, the brain sees everything differently and therefore, our behaviors change. For good.
So here's the assignment:
In the mess, worship. In the wiping of bottoms, worship. In the meals and the bath time, when it seems like no one appreciates you, worship.
Not because every moment feels good. Not because motherhood isn't hard. But because even in the hardest moments, we can turn our hearts toward the One who entrusted us with these lives.The ordinary moments aren't keeping us from the meaningful parts of motherhood. They are the meaningful parts.
Hang in there mama, I am with you, the Lord is with you and you are exactly where you need to be.
While writing this piece, I also realized, this is also the beginning of an idea I've been considering for awhile: a group for moms who want to explore the deeper side of motherhood together.
A place to talk about the parts of motherhood that can feel overwhelming or lonely. A place to explore attachment, childhood wounds, emotional reactions, connection with our children, and the healing that can happen when we begin paying attention to what's happening beneath the surface.
And a place to remember that the ordinary moments (the meals, the messes, the bedtime struggles, the wiping of little bottoms) aren't keeping us from the meaningful parts of motherhood. They are the meaningful parts.
Would you be interested in being part of a group like this? I'd love to hear what topics would be most helpful to you and what you wish you could talk about as a mom.
