In the Beginning: How Attachment Shapes Us and How God's Love Can Heal Us

Written By Jessie Thompson, LMSW, LCSW Lasting Peace Counseling

For a long time, I have been trying to find my “niche,” my “specialty” in the counseling world. Is it adults? Children? Teens?

When I am asked to speak or present on mental health or trauma, I find myself asking the same questions. Where do I begin? Do I begin in childhood? Adolescence? Parenthood? Grandparenthood?

Where does the pain start? Where does healing begin? Where do we focus?

Time and time again, the Lord has brought me back to the same place:

“In the beginning…” So that is exactly where we will begin. Not with the beginning of the world's creation in Genesis 1:1, but with the beginning of you.

In the Beginning, We Were Created for Connection

From our very beginning, we are relational beings. No matter where you come from, who you come from, what your childhood looked like, or what experiences shaped you, there are two foundational truths about every human being:

First, you were created in the image of God.

Second, you were created for connection.

We are not simply individuals who happen to live alongside other people. We are hardwired for relationship. From our earliest moments, we depend on other people for survival, development, safety, and eventually our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. In the counseling world, we have a word for this early relational connection: attachment. You may have heard the term before. In fact, attachment has become quite popular on social media. There are attachment style quizzes, posts about anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, insecure attachment, and relationship memes that suddenly make us wonder if we have been “securely attached” all along.

I hear it often in the therapy room: “I have anxious attachment.” “I have insecure attachment.” “I think I have avoidant attachment.”

But what does that actually mean?

And more importantly, does it matter? I believe it does. Because attachment is not simply about how we behave in romantic relationships (although this is where I hear about the consequences of it the most). Attachment helps shape how we experience safety, how we understand our needs, how we regulate our emotions, how we respond to conflict, how we receive love, how we trust, and how we see ourselves. And, perhaps most importantly for those of us who are people of faith, attachment is how we understand God’s love. To understand why, as God prompted me, we need to go back to the beginning.

A Baby's First Lesson: “I Am Not Alone”

Let’s think about the environment of a developing baby. Inside the womb, the baby’s environment is perfect; just the right temperature, food on demand, a soothing background noise of a mother’s heartbeat and her voice. The baby is completely dependent on someone else for life, and if all goes well, there is profound safety in that.

After approximately 40 weeks, everything changes. All of a sudden, the baby starts to be pushed down the birth canal for the arrival into this world. This is both a beautiful and unfamiliar experience for the developing baby. As the baby finally makes her appearance, we hear the expected cries and wails from her. She is in a state of dysregulation (unable to control emotional/mental/physical distress). This is because everything the baby knew completely changed. The once perfect temperature of the womb is now an uncomfortable room temperature. The once dark, mellow lighting of their old home is now a bright world full of unknown colors and textures. The new sounds of this world are nothing like what she knew, as they were muffled in the womb. This is completely stressful for the brand-new human. And the baby responds in the only way she knows how: crying. In response to these cries, the first thing we typically see happen is the baby is placed on the mother's chest.

So much is happening in this seemingly simple interaction. We see the baby begin to calm her cries, close her eyes, and snuggle into her mother's chest. This place is familiar. The baby smells her mother, hears her heartbeat, and mom's body temperature begins warming the baby to a perfect temperature, just like in the womb. So many synapses and neurotransmitters are being formed in the baby's brain at this very moment. Her nervous system begins to settle in the presence of another nervous system. This is more than a sweet moment between a mother and her newborn. It is the beginning of something foundational:

Attachment.

Co-regulation.

Attunement.

Safety.

Relationship.

And the beginning of a developing sense of self. The baby cannot regulate herself yet. She needs someone else to help her. This is called co-regulation. Over and over again, the caregiver and baby participate in what attachment researchers sometimes describe as a relational or dyadic dance. It looks like this:

Baby communicates. Caregiver responds.

Baby becomes distressed. Caregiver helps settle.

Baby is hungry. Caregiver feeds.

And over time, the baby begins to learn something incredibly important:

My needs matter. When I am distressed, someone comes. I am worth responding to.

I am not alone. I am safe. Discomfort does not last forever. I can trust that someone will help me.

These experiences become part of the developing brain and nervous system. They help establish pathways for emotional regulation and connection. They help a child learn how to move from dysregulation back toward regulation.

They contribute to what psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel describes as the window of tolerance. The window is the range in which we have enough regulation to think, feel, connect, and respond rather than simply react. The wider our window of tolerance is, the more flexible and adaptable we become. We learn regulation through relationship before we learn to regulate ourselves.

We Are Built From the Bottom Up

God did not design us to come into the world as fully developed adults with a brain capable of rational thought, emotional regulation, perspective, and wise decision-making. He designed us to develop through a relationship with caregivers from the bottom up. The bottom of the brain is where our brainstem is housed. It's the oldest part of our brain and has been with us since we were born. It is where our really big feelings live. The upper part of our brain (the part responsible for higher-order thinking, impulse control, decision-making, problem-solving, etc.) is what develops over time. We will be 24/25 before our brains are fully developed.

We begin with our most basic needs: safety, nourishment, warmth, connection (bottom). Then, through relationships and experiences, our capacity for regulation, connection, thought, empathy, and self-awareness develops (top).

And this is why attachment matters so much. Before a child can reason through a difficult emotion, she needs to experience safety. Before she can calm herself, she needs someone to help her calm. Before she can understand that she is valuable, she needs to experience being valued. Before she can learn how to love others, she first experiences what love feels like.

This is consistent with how God describes love.

“We love because He first loved us.”

— 1 John 4:19

We love because He first loved us. There is an order to that. We receive before we give. We experience before we understand. We are loved before we know how to love.

But What Happens When the Dance Is Interrupted?

Not every child grows up in an environment where this relational dance is consistent. Some children experience neglect. Some experience abuse. Some experience unpredictable caregiving. Some have parents who love them deeply but are struggling with their own unresolved trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, grief, or overwhelming circumstances.

Some children learn that sometimes someone comes when they cry and sometimes no one does. Sometimes their needs are welcomed. Sometimes their needs are ignored. Sometimes closeness feels safe. Sometimes closeness feels dangerous. And in some of the most confusing situations, the person they need for comfort is also the person they fear. And a developing child has to adapt.

This is important:

Attachment patterns are not character flaws. They are adaptations. A child will go to any length to be seen, heard, loved, and known. It is their God given design to bond in order to survive. Therefore, a child does what she needs to do to survive the environment she is in.

If expressing needs repeatedly leads to rejection, she may learn to stop expressing them. If closeness is unpredictable, she may learn to cling tightly to relationships because she is afraid they will disappear. If caregivers are frightening or unsafe, she may struggle to understand whether people are sources of comfort or danger.

The child is learning:

How do I stay connected?

How do I stay safe?

What do I have to do to be loved?

And these lessons can follow us into adulthood.

When Attachment Wounds Grow Up

An attachment wound doesn't always announce itself by saying, “Hello, I am an attachment wound.”

It can look like anxiety, anger, difficulty trusting, shutting down, or needing constant reassurance. Sometimes it looks like pushing people away when you desperately want them close. It can show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, earning love, or being terrified of disappointing someone. Sometimes it looks like never asking for help because you learned long ago that your needs were a burden. And sometimes, it looks like something we don't recognize as an attachment wound at all.

And when we step back and look at those parts of ourselves that may have developed as a result of attachment wounds, we can see that those are things we have developed to prevent pain.

If I am perfect and never mess up, no one will reject me.

If I please everyone around me, no one will abandon me, and I will be seen as worthy.

If I don't need anything from anyone, I can't be disappointed when they don't show up for me.

What we often don't realize is that these patterns didn't develop because something was wrong with us. They developed because, somewhere along the way, they helped us survive pain. If these things were learned, there is hope. Because what is learned can be relearned.

Your Window of Tolerance Matters

When we are within our window of tolerance, we have greater capacity to connect. We are in what Dr. Siegel refers to as our “whole brain.” We can think AND feel at the same time. We are integrated. We can reason, we can listen, we can communicate, we can tolerate discomfort, and we can be curious instead of defensive. We can see another person's perspective, and we can stay present.

But when we move outside that window, our capacity changes. We may move into hyperarousal, which can look like fight, flight, fear, anger, anxiety, panic, hypervigilance, tight muscles, and emotional overwhelm. Or we may move toward hypoarousal, which can look like shutdown, numbness, disconnection, depression, withdrawal, or feeling like you simply cannot engage.

Trauma can narrow our window of tolerance, but trauma isn't the only thing that affects it. Chronic stress does too. Parenting stress, relationship conflict, work stress, financial pressure, grief, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and constant stimulation can all impact our capacity. When our nervous system is overwhelmed, our capacity for connection decreases.

And this matters because connection requires presence. You cannot connect deeply with another person when you are focused on surviving the moment. This is true in marriage, in friendships, in parenting, and any other relationship. And it is especially important when we think about children. Children rely on the adults around them for emotional development. A dysregulated child needs a regulated adult. Not a perfect adult, but a present one.

So Where Does Healing Begin?

If attachment wounds begin in a relationship, healing often involves relationship too. This does not mean going back and pretending painful experiences didn't happen. It does not mean blaming your parents for everything and cutting them off (more on this in another blog post—ignoring and exiling those who have hurt you never produces healing). And it certainly doesn't mean that understanding your attachment style suddenly fixes your relationships.

Healing requires learning that the world and relationships can be different than what you originally experienced. Healing for you may happen through safe relationships, through therapy, practicing boundaries, and through learning to recognize your body's signals. Through learning to tolerate emotions rather than immediately escaping them. Through experiencing healthy relationships where you are seen, heard, respected, and not abandoned simply because you are struggling. And for those of us who believe in Jesus, learning to receive the love of our Heavenly Father.

God as Our Heavenly Father

The Bible repeatedly describes God as Father. God is not distant from our need for attachment; He is the author of it. He created us for relationship because He created us for relationship with Him. For His delight. Throughout Scripture, we see a God who pursues His people. A God who remains. A God who sees. A God who hears. A God who provides. A God who comforts. A God who corrects without abandoning. A God who welcomes His children home. A God who says, You are Mine. A God who unconditionally loves us. Even when we mess up. A God who is so in tune with our needs that He knows what we need before we even realize it ourselves.

The problem is that sometimes our human attachment experiences become the lens through which we interpret God's character. If people were unpredictable, we may struggle to believe God is dependable. If people abandoned us, we may struggle to believe God will stay. If love was conditional, we may believe God's love must be earned. If our needs were ignored, we may struggle to bring those needs to God. If authority figures were frightening, we may struggle to experience God as safe.

I see time and time again in myself and those around me that even though we may know intellectually that God loves us, our hearts have not quite caught up and helped us believe He loves us. And this is where healing can become very personal.

Because God doesn't simply tell us “I love you.” He invites us into a relationship with Him. Again and again. Even when we don’t pray, even when we don't go to church, even when we do not seek Him, He is calling us back to Him, arms wide open.

Healing Changes What We Pass On

There is another reason attachment matters so much. Our wounds don't have to become our children's wounds. And if we aren’t careful, we can pass on those wounds through our actions, words, or lack of affection.

This does not mean we will parent perfectly. Because trust me, you won’t. You will miss your child’s cues, you will say something more harshly than you should have, you will become irritated and annoyed at times. Secure attachment does not require perfection. It requires repair. It requires saying you are sorry when you mess up. It requires a “do over” and asking your child, “Hey, can I try that again?”

When our kids see us apologize and make mistakes, they start to understand grace, compassion, humility, forgiveness, and permission to be human. They see our need for a Savior. They also see a reflection of God’s love through us.

Begin “In the Beginning”

Maybe we really do need to begin in the beginning. For years, I wondered where I should begin when talking/treating mental health and trauma. Adults? Children? Teens? Parents? Grandparents?

In the beginning, the Lord says. Because before there was a label or a diagnosis for what we are experiencing, there was a relationship. And so healing required going back to who we are and whose we are. Remembering (or maybe learning for the first time) why we were created in the first place. And if that seems unrealistic or way too far away for you, I know a couple of great therapists who can help you go back to those painful places in your story and begin unpacking the damage, the darkness, the confusion, and make sense of what may appear so senseless.

This is the beginning of healing: to experience safety in a relationship, to co regulate with a therapist, a pastor, a dear friend or loved one, and to reteach that incredible brain and heart of yours that you are worthy of life, love, and abundance.